Prince Caspian: Parody
by Laura Andrews
Summary: Prince Caspian in movie script form. Everyone is out of character. Read at your own risk.


_A/N: I've decided to clean up my profile and make everything spick and span. So now I present to you the edited version of Prince Caspian. It's silly, but I hope you enjoy it anyway :)_

_**Caspian's Castle**_

CORNELIUS: Caspian! Wake up!  
CASPIAN: No.  
CORNELIUS: Whatever. Just let Miraz kill you.  
CASPIAN: Oh, fine.  
CORNELIUS: Here's Queen Su's magic horn.  
CASPIAN: Cool!

_CASPIAN__ rides out of the castle, knocks spears out of MIRAZ'S men's hands; is chased across the water and through the woods; hits his head on a tree branch; sees a badger and two dwarfs come after him; blows horn for no good reason._

_**Train Station**_

BOY: Hi, what's your name?  
SUSAN: Get out of my face, boy.  
BOY: Okay.  
LUCY: Su, Pete is fighting.  
SUSAN: Let him eat fists.  
EDMUND: They're gonna kill him!

_SUSAN runs in, knock everyone off of Pete, and pulls him away_

SUSAN: Dummy, you made me risk life and limb to save you. You are forever in my debt.  
PETER: Huh uh.  
EDMUND: I wanna go back to Narnia.  
LUCY: Yeah.  
PETER: Who cares? They don't need us, obviously. The only reason we ever go is to be used to get sissy Narnians out of their own trouble.  
SUSAN: Yep.

_They are suddenly pulled out of station and into a cave, with an ocean in front of them_

SUSAN: Not so bad. I'm sick of school anyways.  
EDMUND: You haven't done any this year.  
SUSAN: Oh. I forgot.

_They splash in the waves, and see castle ruins_

PETER: Weird. It looks like Cair Paravel.  
EDMUND: Dingbat, that's because it is.  
PETER: Let's get our stuff.  
LUCY: Cool. My dagger.  
SUSAN: My bow. Looks like someone stole my horn.  
PETER: Who cares? Here's my sword.  
LUCY: I don't like this place. Let's get out.  
EDMUND: Look, a cata- whatever you call it. Cair Paravel was attacked.  
PETER: So? That was years ago. Let's go find that dwarf guy to rescue.

_They run over to the river and see a boat with two soldiers and the DWARF in it_

PETER: Shoot them, Su.  
SUSAN: Okay.

_She does_

PETER: I didn't mean the dwarf, stupid. At least he has chain mail on.  
DWARF: Ooo, creeps, four ghosts. Well, you should scare Telmarines sufficiently. Let's go find Caspian.  
PETER: Okay.  
DWARF: Caspian is a dumb teen with his head screwed on backwards and sideways. I am always being sent on dangerous missions for him. This one nearly cost me my life, or at least my mental health. How he'll make it as king, I don't know, 'cause he is bad at being prince. He gathered a bunch of creatures to him, and another dwarf, Nikabrik, is always giving him bad advice. Trufflehunter is never listened to, so there's really no reason for him to be there.  
PETER: He's not going to be king. I am the king. But I will fight the Telmarines to get my kingdom back.

_They get in boat, after repairing the hole made by Susan's arrow. After a while, they get out and walk_

DWARF: You don't know the way.  
PETER: Yes I do, little piggy. This is my country.  
DWARF: Ouch, that one hurt.  
SUSAN: Shut up, Pete. You hurt his feelings.  
EDMUND: Since when did hurt feelings matter to you?  
LUCY: AWWWsome! I saw Aslan!  
SUSAN: Huh uh.  
EDMUND: I guess I believe her.  
PETER: I don't. She's just a dumb little girl.  
DWARF: I don't believe in Aslan.  
LUCY: You're all brats. Except Ed, of course.  
PETER: Shut up. Come on ya'll.

_They go through a wood and get dreadfully hot and tired_

LUCY: Hee hee hee.  
PETER: What's so funny?  
LUCY: We are having trouble getting through. Hee hee hee. I knew we should have followed Aslan.  
PETER: You didn't tell us he wanted us to follow him, you little dipstick. All you said was that you saw him.  
LUCY: Huh uh.

_They get to the edge of the wood, and arrows whiz around their heads_

DWARF: Run!  
PETER: Hide!  
SUSAN: Stop, drop, and roll!  
LUCY: EEEEK!  
EDMUND: Stand and fight!

_They run and hide_

_**After the Telmarines Leave**_

PETER: Where did you see Aslan?  
LUCY: I didn't. Remember?  
SUSAN: Lucy, I ought to throw you off the mountain.  
LUCY: I thought you were Queen Susan the Gentle.  
SUSAN: Only because there was never anything for me to be ungentle about. Now, show us where Aslan was.  
LUCY: No. Ain't gonna do it.  
EDMUND: Well, let's eat.  
PETER: What will we eat?

_They see a bear_

EDMUND: That!  
PETER: What if it's a talking bear?

_It charges them_

PETER: On second thought, maybe it's not. Someone shoot it!  
SUSAN: Nah.  
DWARF: I will, if you'll pay me something.  
PETER: Idiots! It's about to eat us!

_DWARF shoots it and kills it_

DWARF: Pay up.  
PETER: What do you want? All you really deserve is a smack in the face.  
DWARF: I want your sword.  
PETER: What! My sword? Not until Tash the Terrible eats me will I part with it.  
DWARF: Oh, fine. I'll go find Tash the whatever and ask him to eat you.  
PETER: I'll kill you if you even think about it.  
DWARF: Alright! Creeps! I'm not even thinking about it. Cross my heart!  
PETER: Good. Let's go on. But let's eat the bear first.

_They do, and then fall asleep, forgetting that they meant to go on after that._

_LUCY wakes up and hears someone calling her. She gets up and walks around until she sees dancing trees and ASLAN_

LUCY: Cool!  
ASLAN: Come here, Lucy.  
LUCY: What do you want?  
ASLAN: Go wake up the others and tell them to follow you. You will follow me, but I'll be invisible to everyone else for a while.  
LUCY: Awww. No fun.  
ASLAN: You'll have plenty of fun later on.

_LUCY goes back to the others and wakes them up. They grumble a lot, but finally follow her_

EDMUND: Lucy, I see him.  
LUCY: Cool.  
PETER: You're both lying.  
SUSAN: I'm tired. Wanna go to bed.

_They don't let her_

_**Aslan's How**_

PETER: Is that where ya'll are living? Gross. It looks like it has rats all in it.  
DWARF: Believe me, it does. By the thousands. But they are good practice for learning to fight Miraz's men.

_ASLAN becomes visible to all of them_

ASLAN: Get inside the How and have some adventures while the girls and I have fun.  
PETER: Okay. Come on guys.

_They come to the entrance and go through. They stop outside a door and listen_

CORNELIUS: They should be here any time. Be patient.  
CASPIAN: I'm sick of being patient. I'm sick of being prince and king at the same time, plus captain, soldier, nearly-assassinated nephew, animal keeper, dwarf handler, and tunnel dweller. Get me out of here!  
HAG: We will. Gladly.  
WEREWOLF: Yes. Indeed we will. Grab him!

_PETER, EDMUND, and DWARF rush in and start hacking at everyone. Fortunately, only the bad guys are killed_

CASPIAN: Who are you guys?  
PETER: I'm the High King, and this is Ed.  
CASPIAN: Well, you took long enough. And thanks for slashing my arm nearly off.

_EDMUND looks at it_

EDMUND: It's hardly a scratch.  
PETER: Well, I'm here to organize this rabble into a real army. No one was even guarding the entrance. Good thing we found out before Miraz.  
CASPIAN: I'm king here! Don't go ordering me around. All I called you for was some help.  
PETER: Well, you'll get more than help. I am the king, and a real one, not just some stupid teen.  
EDMUND: Well, what are we gonna do?  
PETER: I'm a hero a lot of the time. I'll fight Miraz in single combat.  
CASPIAN: I wanna!  
PETER: No, ain't gonna happen. Ed, please write out a challenge and take it to Miraz for me.  
EDMUND: Okay. Here goes.

_**At Miraz's Camp**_

MIRAZ: Who are those? The boy, man-horse thingy, and huge fellow?  
GUARD: They are King Ed, a centaur, and a giant. They want to talk to you.  
MIRAZ: Let 'em in.

_EDMUND comes in, the other two stay outside the tent_

EDMUND: Here's a challenge for you: I, Pete the High King, want to do single combat with you, to prove my bravery to Caspian, my loyalty to Narnia, and my detestation of you. My brother Ed will work out details with you. Signed, Yours, Pete

MIRAZ: Posh! He thinks he's brave, loyal, and he detests me. Well, I detest him. Of course, I must discuss it with Glozelle and Sopespian first.  
GLOZELLE: If you don't fight, then everyone, including myself, will call you a coward.  
SOPESPIAN: Exactly, sire. You must fight him.  
MIRAZ: I accept your brother's challenge. I'll be out in a few minutes. Just gotta change into my armor.  
EDMUND: We'll be waiting for you.

_He leaves_

_**Combat Ring**_

PETER: Bye, Ed. If I die, tell Mum and Dad that I died a hero.  
EDMUND: Ha!  
MIRAZ: Hurry up, boy!

_They start fighting. PETER evidently hasn't practiced in some time. He gets knocked down_

CASPIAN: I would have killed Miraz by now.  
EDMUND: Huh uh.  
PETER: Let's take a break and drink some lemonade.  
MIRAZ: Nah. Beer will be fine for me.  
EDMUND: So, what's the prob?  
PETER: My arm is out of joint.

_EDMUND jerks it back in place_

PETER: Ow! Thanks a lot.  
EDMUND: Here's your lemonade.  
PETER: No sugar. Yuck.  
EDMUND: No sugar in Narnia, remember?

_They go back and start fighting again. MIRAZ falls over for no good reason. PETER is about to kill him when GLOZELLE jumps in_

GLOZELLE: He killed our king! The dirty traitor!

_He goes up and stabs MIRAZ_

GLOZELLE: Now it's my turn to be king.

_SOPESPIAN comes after PETER, but suddenly falls to the ground. A mouse has killed him_

PETER: How shockingly courageous. I hate to say it, but that little thing's braver than even I am.

_The mouse, with some other mice, run around killing Telmarines. Suddenly, the trees start grabbing at Telmarines. They surrender_

PETER: Stinking cowards.  
EDMUND: Well, I was getting tired anyways.  
CASPIAN: Thanks, High King Pete, for helping get my kingdom back.  
PETER: You sure have a thick skull, don't you? This is my kingdom. Got it?  
CASPIAN: Well, there's Aslan. Let's go ask him.

_They walk up to ASLAN_

CASPIAN: Aslan, who is gonna be king?  
ASLAN: You are.  
PETER: How totally uncool. I did all the work, and I don't get a thing.  
ASLAN: Let's crown Caspian.

_They do_

SUSAN: Wow, he looks handsome.

_CASPIAN__ hears her_

CASPIAN: I wanna announce something to everyone. Su and I are getting married in a few years.  
PETER: Oh, no you're not.  
CASPIAN: Oh.  
SUSAN: Get outta my face, kid.  
ASLAN: It's time to leave, Pete, Su, Ed, Lucy. Say bye bye to everyone.  
ALTOGETHER: Bye bye to everyone!  
CASPIAN: Get outta my country.

_They go through the doorway _

**_Train Station Again_**

PETER: Boy, am I glad Aslan said we couldn't go back. Twice was way more than enough for me.  
SUSAN: Yeah. Now we can go back to normal lives.  
EDMUND: Lucy and I are going back. Nanny nanny boo boo.  
LUCY: Oh no, I left my new torch in Narnia.  
EDMUND: Lucy, I was supposed to say that!  
LUCY: Well, you weren't saying it. So I decided to.

_**THE END**_


End file.
